I Love Mars Attacks! But It Doesn't Work
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
When I was a lad of 31, I read that Tim Burton was making a film based on the 1962 Topps bubblegum card series Mars Attacks. I was elated. My favorite director, fresh off directing my favorite movie, the breathtaking Ed Wood, (it trades off with the original Planet Of The Apes for the top spot. Must I choose?) was now sending up 1950s alien invasion movies. The same movies Ed Wood was trying to make. The write up at the time was, “Tim Burton made a movie about Ed Wood, now he wants to make an Ed Wood movie.” Fine by me! I thought the whole idea was aces.
Wikipedia tells us that Alex Cox pitched Mars Attacks as a film in the mid 80’s. Supposedly he wrote several drafts before being replaced by Martin Amis. Wha? There’s a Martin Amis draft of Mars Attacks lying around? Anybody?
I was eager to see Mars Attacks! I even remember going on opening day with my friend Peyton Reed, who has since gone on to fame and fortune directing the Ant-Man films, The Mandalorian etc. Once everybody sees the name I just dropped I’ll go pick it up. Everybody see it? Okay, good.
So don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t like the movie. I love the movie. I love the whole idea of it. I still own some action figures and a garage kit from the Mars Attacks! I just want to love it more. I want it to be funnier. Mars Attacks! is better in theory than in practice. Something is lacking. True, Mars Attacks follows the same non-rulebook as Pee Wee’s Big Adventure or Beetlejuice, so why isn’t it as good?
Look, I own this kit. I'm building it soon. I'm a fan. I just...
Here, in my humble opinion, is why:
Part of the problem is the cast. It is star studded, to be sure. One of the templates Mars Attacks! borrows from (and it was a great idea), was that of the Irwin Allen disaster movies, where the film consists of a series of all-star, soap opera subplots amidst some catastrophe or other. What is does NOT have, is an undisputed comic force at its center. There’s no Paul Reubens or Michael Keaton anchoring the film. The Martians are hilarious and brilliantly executed and the cojones to have them speak in that “Aaack! Aaack!” for the whole movie is one of the film’s two home runs. But it’s one joke and even the best joke gets tired.
For the record, the other hilarious bit occurs towards the end of the movie when the Martians are shooting up Las Vegas and their voice translator is saying “We come in peace!” as they blow the shit out of everyone and everything. But that bit isn’t even prominently featured!! It occurs in the background at the start of another scene. It's the best joke in the movie and they throw it away!
Back to the cast, Jack Nicholson is certainly fabulous, but in terms of making me laugh, he’s no Michael Keaton. And when was the last time you heard somebody shriek from the other room, “Get in here! The hilarious Glenn Close is on!” Exactly.
Again, I blame no one. It’s just one of those things. To quote Thomas Berger, "sometimes the magic works and sometimes it doesn't." Hindsight being 20/20, my feeling is that Mars Attacks! suffers from an acute case of, “everything is kinda funny, but nothing is really funny.” I think the movie would have been funnier if the humans played it more seriously. This is a full reverse of the American Werewolf In London playbook, if anybody’s keeping score. There, the monster thought it was in a horror movie but everyone else just behaved normally. Here, the monsters are aware they are in a comedy but the people should act like they are in a deadly earnest sci-fi film. Someone take the Martians from Mars Attacks! and edit them into a scene from Independence Day and see if it plays better. Anyway, that’s the “Why I love Mars Attacks! but it doesn’t work,” speech I give at parties. So now you know never to invite me.
Burton’s “everything is kinda wacky” template would fail him again in 2012’s Dark Shadows, a movie I assume was supposed to be a comedy, although I’m not fully certain. But, lest you think I’m just bashing Tim Burton, I’m not. The stop-motion feature film version of Frankenweenie, from the same year, is a criminally underrated gem. It's gorgeous and hilarious and deserves a lot more attention than it gets.
And Ed Wood is a flawless diamond.
Goodnight!